This is my first full write-up for Fall 2013. It’s also one of the first things we watched from this season, and even now, it sits fresh on my mind. You’re about to find out why.
This shit is undefendable, terribly written, and not even worthy of being called garbage. The WORST show of the whole season. In episode 1, our dull-witted protagonist shows up at a mystery mansion her parents just told her she’d be living at. Well fuck it, sure, it worked in Love Hina, why not here too? Oh that’s right, cause that was the mid nineties and we’re supposed to be fucking beyond that shit now. But I digress.
Seems legit to me. Hit the jump to go on a magical journey.
Our protag, Yui, heads into creepy-ass-haunt-house and discovers Red McVamp-kun lying on a bench in total darkness, obviously asleep and very relaxed. She calls out, he doesn’t answer, so she checks his pulse and fi-HE HAS NO PULSE!!!1 Yup, duh, it’s a show about vampires, couldn’t they show us that in a more original way? The dude wakes up and talks shit to her, stealing her phone before he pins her down and licks her neck. Does she scream? Fight back? Get mad at this would-be-rapist? Nah, she just says, no joke, “What?” as he pins her down and makes with the licking. He even comments on how he’ll be taking her now. Not a joke.
Enter Vamp McSilver #1 who stops Red McVamp-kun before he can make with the rape, but only because the foryer “Is for greeting guests” and he should take that sort of thing to his private room. Yui then asks McSilver for help, not because of the rape, of course, but because she wants to clear up the fact that her dad told her to live here. No mention of the sexual crime that almost occurred. McSilver ignores her completely, instead asking Red to explain. Yup. So apparently Silver thinks talking to the rapist is worth more info than talking to the girl. Oh wait, apparently that rape thing wasn’t important. It’s literally never discussed by anyone, except Yui in passing, and even then it’s just because ‘I was gunna say something, but then you attacked m-wait, did you just say I was flat? I’m mildly less indifferent about that statement.’ She takes their verbal abuse like a good little whore and then follows her abusers into the dining hall, where we meet the full cast. Of course she does.
Another quiet evening of non-consensual sex.
All of these straws have already broken the camel’s back, snapped its neck in mercy, stripped the carcass for fur and then left the meat for starving wolves, but let’s continue. We meet two more vampires, Red McFedora and Purple McSadeyes, both of whom also lick her, one on the cheek and one on the ear, to which she lets out a little ‘eep’ each time, but never screams at them or bolts for the fucking door. Hell, Red McVamp still has her damn cell phone, she never asked for it back, because she’s that fucktarded. White McTeleport hops into the room and punches through a wall, to which this girl is STILL CONFUSED ABOUT HOW THEY’RE DOING THIS SHIT but finally, FINALLY, she decides to stand, politely bow and say ‘Uh, I may have the wrong house, see ya’ and walk calmly towards the door.
Ya think?
Yup, it took a near rape, a stolen phone, baggage stolen by a ghost, verbal abuse, and being LICKED by THREE MEN SHE’S NEVER MET not to mention the whole UNDEAD MONSTERS and PUNCHING THROUGH A DAMN WALL thing before she finally said ‘whoops, better check google maps again.’ But then she’s stopped when Yellowhair McHeadphones finally speaks up and says ‘Oh, yeah, the CHURCH sent her here to be a BRIDE, and they said we can’t kill her, so she’ll be here a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG time.’ Welp, let’s check Yui’s expression. How shocked and scared is she, knowing she’s in a house where rape happens casually, where murder is normal interaction, and everyone’s dead?
Weird indeed. Bravo, Bitch-chan.
Oh yeah, somewhere along the line McFedora gave her a nickname: Bitch-chan! How adorable and precocious! But don’t be offended, maybe it makes more sense when properly translated! It means ‘little bitch’ if you’re watching the subtitled version. In case you think I’m bullshitting you, here you go. Makes perfect sense.
But just look at that charming smile and that humdinger of a hat!
In addition, remember Red McVamp? Her first would-be rapist? Well, he insists that he’ll be ‘her first everything’ when others talk about violating her, and now insists, no joke, that she ‘won’t get away next time,’ to which Bitch-chan remembers she needs to call her dad and asks for her fucking cell phone. Because of COURSE she does. Red produces her phone, and White McTeleport crushes it and tells her to get the fuck out of his house. Fedora and Purple close in and prepare to bite her, but finally, FINALLY she sees the fangs and runs! …all of three steps, before falling the fuck over. She scrapes her knee, triggering their bloodlust, Bitch-chan FINALLY gets it, Vampires. Yup.
Ya don’t say?
She runs from them (finally) and we get a three minute near-rape montage of her running, getting pinned, running, called bitch-chan and groped, running, delicious cakes (again, not a joke), it’s at 9:50 in this video. But then she hides in a formerly locked room, discovers a diary, finds out she’s adopted, and gets assaulted by some purple haired vampire lady. Then they all threaten to rape and/or eat her again and she (finally) screams for help. Aaaaaaaaaaaand… scene.
Ugh. Are there even fucking words for this shit…? Yknow, I WOULD be secretly hoping she decides to get revenge on these rapist asshole murder vamps, that she’d be on their roof the next morning with a sledgehammer, letting the Jesus ray shoot in and destroy them in one big, slutty sunshine bukakke. I wish I could even see THAT potential.
Uh, okay sure, vampires are real, but this shit isn’t. Sure, got it. Fuck off.
But I can’t. The show won’t LET me see that potential. The rapist vampire clan also takes precious time from their episode to explain that none of the vampiric rules apply. They don’t care about garlic or crosses or sunlight or holy water, it’s all bullshit to them. I fucking hate this ALMOST as bad as that fucking nickname. Why even make them Vampires? If you just wanted super-strong, powerful night-beings, just make something NEW. It would take just as long explaining that they’re super strong immortals as it did to explain which vampire shit they’re keeping and what they’re choosing to ignore. TONS of vampire media does this these days, and frankly, it’s fucking bullshit. Either use vampires or don’t, but don’t give them all of the strengths, none of the weaknesses and then expect us to keep playing this old song and dance. The weaknesses are what make vampires INTERESTING. Remember this scene from Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust?
Meier Link climbs slowly, powerlessly from his carriage, igniting in the daylight and barely able to shuffle towards the woman he loves, and he’s fucking ANCIENT. If he was a new vampire, he would just evaporate. And the older these vampires get, the more powerful they become, some are even able to control the WEATHER to keep the sun at bay, and they’ve put chips into the brains of humanity so that we can’t remember how to kill them! It’s a future where the vampires fucking WON and control us like cattle, and even THEN, this is their reality. It’s poignant in ways ‘Bitch-chan’ will never understand.
Fucking please, I beg you, this shit is poorly written, reprehensible, offensive, and downright stupid. Don’t watch Diabolik Lovers, don’t support this pointless shit. It’s ruining the anime industry and has NO redeeming values, period. Just go watch Vampire Hunter D instead. It’s got sexy vampires and nudity, if that was what you wanted, but it’s far better written, far more beautiful, and the story is WORTH telling. If you choose to watch this Diabolik muck instead, you really must be a stupid little Bitch-chan. See ya.
Diabolik Lovers: Episode 1 is sexist, stupid, poorly written, and beneath even garbage. Show dropped.
J.T.A.K. Anime Night Official Blog 